Morning people are the worst.
But thankfully, for the rest of us, there’s the lovely wake and bake.
The concept is as old as time, and a good wake and bake has been extensively scientifically proven to make you 87% less likely to give a f*ck throughout your day. And that’s science, folks.
Here are 4 things every stoner needs to do in the morning before they even get out of bed. And no, scrolling through social media until you’re late for work isn’t one of them.
1. Drink a full glass of water.
If there’s one thing we’ll tell you to do before bed that will change your life, it’ll be to leave a full glass of water for yourself on your nightstand for the morning (if you’re a twitchy sleeper, maybe just pour yourself a glass in the morning).
As soon as your alarm goes off, chug that water like you’ve been stranded in a desert for 420 days.
This will lube up your system to help you metabolize and digest your breakfast. This will also awaken your mind for the impending epic wake and bake sesh that you’re about to enjoy.
Plus, you already know you don’t drink enough water during the day. This will give you a head start and make you feel healthier than all of your coworkers all day long.
2. Wake and bake!
What kind of stoners would we be if this wasn’t on the list?!
Obviously, next to that empty water glass should be your preferred method of getting lit.
So light up that bowl, puff on that vape pen, or spark up that jay (don’t forget an ashtray though… nothing worse than ashing in bed), and think happy thoughts about the day you’re about to have.
We recommend not thinking about work, bills, or really any of your responsibilities. Just try not to think about anything.
3. Write a stream of consciousness.
Now that you’re feeling nice and elevated, you’re going to grab your new shiny journal, diary, or, if you’re really insecure about your masculinity, your notebook.
You’re going to be doing some writing, but don’t worry; you don’t need to be a writer to do this right. All you have to do is think thoughts.
And, admittedly, thinking thoughts is harder than it seems after you’ve just woken up. But even if all you have to write down is, “I’m grumpy. I’m hungry. I don’t wanna go to work today. Lalalala poopy”, that’s perfect!
The point of a stream of consciousness isn’t to write anything poetic or groundbreaking. It’s getting all of the random thoughts that float around your head down on paper and out of your head so you have the capacity to do step 4…
If you had a dollar for every time a stoner told you to meditate, you’d probably be rich enough to buy a rolling tray made out of solid gold, right?
Hear us out though.
Once you get your initial morning thoughts out of your head and into your journal, your brain is totally primed for some solid meditative sh*t!
Sit up comfortably in bed, close your eyes, and WITHOUT FALLING ASLEEP (hopefully you didn’t just smoke an indica), attempt to clear your mind for even just a minute or two. Notice the kind of thoughts you do have, but don’t get frustrated that they pop up. Simply notice that you’re having them, and then let them float away. You may learn a lot about yourself by observing your own thought patterns. For example, we’ve learned that we care a lot about what kind of potatoes go into our breakfast burritos.
After you’re done meditating, you now have our permission to inhale three cups of coffee, stalk any number of your ex’s family member’s on social media, or whatever it is you do while you’re waking up. We don’t care.
What we do care about is that you come by our dispensary after work and stock up for tomorrow morning’s wake and bake.
We got the dopest dope you’ve ever smoked, we got the finest connoisseur strains for the discerning smoker, and we have that CBD oil your mom likes.
Whether you smoke it, vape it, dab it, eat it, drink it, bop it, twist it, pull it… what were we talking about? Well, whatever. We have what you want.